2012...Off to a rough start...

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post.  Even if no one ever reads my blog, I feel better when I post.  On Friday, January 13th, my dad who is 82 next week had to be taken to the ER via ambulance.  He had either a TIA or a small stroke, we are still not quite sure.  After two days in the hospital unresponsive, he started to come back around.  After a week in a nursing rehab center, he came home...that was last week.  During that time we made several trips to see him each day.  Since he has been home he has had a physical therapist and a nurse come a few times to check in on him.  His blood pressure is still not controlled, and the whole situation is scary, stressful, and tiring.  I have to take his blood pressure several time throughout the day, record it, makes sure he does not exceed 2000mg of sodium a day, and make sure he takes his medicine (how and when he is supposed to).  My mom who just turned 76 is not in the best health of health either.  Everything with my dad has really taken a tole on her.  Needless to say I have been barely hanging on to the very bottom of my to do list...each day I feel myself sliding further and further down...

Last week I was able to fit the gym in 5 out of 7 days.  I worked really hard at the gym as well as tried to eat well and lost 3.2 pounds for a total of 79.4.  This week has not been great at all.  Since we cannot leave my dad home alone, it has been a daily struggle to coordinate times to leave the house.  I only made it to the gym once this week and I miss it.  I miss the feeling of serenity when I am there.  I miss the feeling of accomplishment and strength when I walk out.  I honestly miss the gym.  It has been another week since I started this post.  On Saturday I was up over 5 pounds.  My total lost has now slipped just under 74 pounds.  I have been to the gym a few times this week, but have also eaten a bit more then I should have here and there.  In one word, I am... EXHAUSTED...mentally, physically, and emotionally.  In addition to calculating WW pp values, I now have to be super aware of sodium content.  My dad can only have 500mg max per meal.  It seems like it should be an easy task, but there is sodium in just about EVERYTHING!

The other day I finally reached my breaking point.  I was mad.

• Mad at myself for gaining back some of the weight I had lost.
• Mad because I can't seem to get back the focus I once had a few months ago.
• Mad because I lost my home...even though it has already been 4 years.
• Mad because the company I loved and worked at for 8 years was not managed well and closed.
• Mad because I don't have the same space I had in my house.
• Mad because my parents were so old when they had me.
• Mad because my parents are in such poor health.
• Mad because my 5 siblings don't visit much, or even call my parents.
• Mad because I am exhausted and can hardly think straight.
• Mad because I was mad.
• AND...Mad for a bazillion other reasons that would take a lifetime to type out!

Today I am still tired, but not as mad as I was.  I am thankful for everyone and everything in my life.  I want to continue my weight loss journey and reach my weight loss goals.  I want to get back to 83 pounds down and then zip right past that number.  I want to change the love-hate relationship I have with food.  I want to find a replacement for the instant satisfaction and comfort food gives me.  I want to be thinner and healthy.  I want to be a role model and my very own success story.