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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Why won't you move?

I have worked really hard this week, every single day of this week.  I have been eating well, drinking plenty of water, and have done some type of physical activity everyday.  Saturday was a fast walk to and from my WW meeting, Sunday was leisurely walking at the swap meet, but still walking and in 100 degree weather, Monday was 70 minutes of spin, yesterday was 35 minutes on the treadmill ranging from a 3% decline to a 15% incline at 3.0 mph followed by a 60 minute high energy cardio / dance class.  I should be down a few pounds from Saturday by now.  

When I stepped on the scale this morning I was so frustrated!  220.5...the same number that I saw on Saturday morning, and Sunday morning, and yesterday morning.  I am thankful I didn't gain over the weekend since I did use my weeklies, but I also did get in a lot of activity.  Monday I used 13 of my activity pp and yesterday I used 2.  That is only 15 out of the 51that I have earned.  In December when I got down to my lowest weight on my scale of 212, it only lasted for a day.  Since that day my weight has bounced between 215 & 222.  I am tired of seeing the same 8 numbers over and over day and day out.  I want to get out of the 20,s and teens, and stay out of them.  I want to get to the 10's and then on to the 100's.  I have been at this weight before.  This seems to be my "normal" weight but I am not happy here.  I want to reach a healthy weight...one that feels good on the inside and looks good on the outside.  Losing weight is not just about being "skinny" or how you look.  It is about being healthy and feeling good physically and emotionally on a daily basis.  It is about feeling pride and accomplishment from reaching a goal that seemed impossible.  It is about me doing something for me.

I will not let the scale determine the course of my day.  I ate a healthy breakfast consisting of 1 egg, 4 egg whites, a small banana, and a glass of water.  I am going to try spin at the gym this morning.  I have a kink in my back so I am not sure how it will feel.  It hurt and pulled during some of the moves in class yesterday but I made it through to the end.  I am not sure if my back is weird because of our new bed or just because.  I have not been getting enough sleep the past few nights, that may be part of the scale's problem too.  After the gym I am going to come home and just take it easy.  I think I might just take a me day and spend a few hours watching TV, something that I rarely have time to do. 




Sunday, May 20, 2012

Cheaper to sleep on the floor...

The day started with lots of laundry and house cleaning.  My husband was supposed to go to the swap meet with his friend.  This morning when my husband called him, he said he wasn't feeling well.  This translated into my daughter and I going with the hubby to the swap meet.

We were looking for a phone case for my husband's phone, and a rubber cover for my daughter's iPod...she bought it from her brother for $50...he bought it on eBay for $ 120...it has been well used!  Randomly we found a new mattress and actually went back a few hours later to get it.  Our old mattress was broken down and most days I would wake up with a kink in my neck which would give me a headache.  Buying a mattress is difficult.  If it hadn't been 100 degrees I would have taken a nap on each one to be able to decide which one felt the best.  I'm not sure how it happened but we ended up with a SUPER firm.  When my husband, kids, and I all tried to jump on it, with a running start, we all landed like we had belly flopped right into the floor!  I am hoping that I get used to it quickly because there is no option to take it back.  My husband really doesn't care what he sleeps on so he wasn't much help in the picking out the right mattress process.  I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow refreshed and pain free....and not feeling like I slept on the floor all night as it would be much cheaper to sleep on the floor instead of buying a new mattress that gives a similar effect!

With our two trips to the swap meet and lots of laundry and house cleaning, I definitely got in some good activity today.  My eating was good too!  I did use a lot of my weeklies yesterday and today, but I tracked EVERYTHING and am happy with my choices!

Tomorrow is another day to get some more activity in and make more good food choices.  I am going to lose weight this week...and the next week...and the next!    

Saturday, May 19, 2012

7 months...

For some reason, I read my profile...the one on my blog.  As of October of last year I was down 75 pounds.  As of this morning, I am down 75.4 pounds.  Seven months have passed and with all of my weekly losses and gains, I am the same weight I was SEVEN MONTHS ago!  I have been struggling with the scale for months, but did not realize so much time had passed.  Since October I have slowly slipped off my to do list and fallen into old habits, including putting others' needs before my own.  My mom quit WW awhile ago.  I have been so busy with day to day life and struggles, I have not even been able to enjoy not having to WW for someone else besides myself.

I am done.  I will continue to take care of my kids, husband, and parents, but I will make sure that I take care of myself as well.  If I had been paying attention these past seven months, I could possibly weigh 50 pounds less than I do today, maybe even be at goal!  I don't know what I have been thinking.  Obviously not thinking enough about what foods, and how much of those foods, have been finding my mouth.  My exercise has been pretty good, but my eating has been all over the place...good, bad, good, worse...

My parents like their sweets...ice cream, cake, donuts, etc.  I am not much of a sweets person, but sometimes the urge strikes and when it does I feel like I lose control.  Most sweets have crazy high WW pp values...a few bites can be enough to consume, or exceed, one's daily pp allowance for sure.  I have got to keep my focus and mindfully decide whether or not to eat.  Many times I eat when I am not even hungry.  It seems foolish, like spending $ 50 more for an identical item simply because it is red instead of blue.

Looking back at how well my weight loss journey started I honestly feel like I have wasted the past seven months, like I have failed myself.  I am not going to let that feeling lead to weight gain.  I am going to use that feeling and frustration to fuel my efforts to lose weight, reach my ultimate weight loss goal, and maintain that weight for the rest of forever.  The thought that I could have realistically been at goal by now is shocking and heartbreaking.  These past few months I thought I had not given up on my weight loss efforts, but truthfully I didn't give 100%.

Enough is enough.  This is my time to shine and succeed.  Why shouldn't I become a WW success story?  Why shouldn't I reach my weight loss goal?  Why not me?  I am the only one standing in my way so it is time to step aside and enjoy the ride!  I have lived in Two-ter-ville for far too long...One-der-land ~ Here I come!

 

 

Weigh in...

So last week I did not make it to WW for a meeting or to weigh in.  I wish I would have at least weighed in, but I can't change the past.  I did weigh in at home and I was up 5 pounds.  This morning at WW I was up only 2.8 from my last weigh in two weeks ago so I did lose 2.2 pounds this past week even if my WW record does not reflect it.  My total lost as of today is 75.4, still a little over 8 pounds from my lowest weight in December, but still quite a significant total loss!  I have got to remember and focus on how far I have come rather than how much further I still have to go.

My daughter went with me to the meeting this morning.  I walked and she rode her bike.  It was a little over a mile each way and took us a total of 45 minutes.  I liked walking to the old location better because most of the walk was on the bike trail.  The new walk route is through a car lot street which has a bit of traffic and lots of driveways.  It is not too bad so we have decided we will continue to do it.  Getting that bit of exercise on Saturday mornings really helps me clear my mind and get the WW week off to a good start.  After the meeting we stopped at Sprouts for a pineapple, corn on the cob, and dates.  I weighed my backpack when we got home and it weighed in at a whopping 16.5 pounds!  The walk back was definitely a little harder with the extra weight....I can hardly believe I was able to carry 75 pounds on my physical being every single day.  Even if I am not at my lowest since I started my weight loss journey, I am FAR from my original weight for sure!

This week I plan to get to the gym at least 4 days and and spend a lot of time helping at my daughter's school.  There is always so much to do, especially toward the end of the year.  I like to be there, Molly's teacher appreciates my help, and it gets me away from the chaos at home.

This is going to be a good week, it has got to be!




Thursday, May 17, 2012

Better...

Yesterday started out well with a good spin class, but ended well with far too much food consumed.

Today started out with a horrible headache, but I went to the gym anyway.  I only managed 8 minutes on the treadmill and then went and sat in the dark workout room until class started.  By the time class started, my head was feeling better...maybe I just need some silence and actual rest.  Class was super fun, it is called Work It!...it is taught by an awesome guy who makes me smile and laugh from the start of class to the end of it.  I got in a really good workout and came out feeling much better than when I did when I got there.  Eating today was super good.  I ate fruit, veggies, lean protein, popcorn for fiber and volume, and drank plenty of water.  I actually finished the day 4pp under my daily allowance.  Tomorrow I will be at my daughter's school all day.  I have already packed my lunch and will have a light breakfast.  Tomorrow night is the pizza party for my daughter's track team.  I will start with one piece of pizza, but allow for two...only if I really want it.  I have really been thinking a lot lately about my eating...what I eat, how much I eat, and why I eat.  Some days I feel like I consume my daily pp so early in the day that I end up with none left for dinner so I just eat as many as I want since I have already run out.  I am going to try and eat only when I am hungry rather than for other reasons such as frustration or anger.

Although I know the scale will not show a loss on Saturday, I am hoping to see a lower number tomorrow and Saturday than I have seen the last week or so.  If I would have weighed in last week, I would probably see a loss this week, but what is...is.

Tomorrow is a new day to make good choices and get that much closer to my goals...

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Up, down, up, down...

Both my weight and my mood have been up and down lately.  One day I feel inspired, work out hard, and eat well...the next I still work out, but my eating is all over the place.  I wish I knew why I am so drawn to food.  When I was younger I used food as comfort and security, the comfort and security I didn't get from my parents.  That is probably a big part of why I still gravitate toward it.  All these years later I am once again back with my parents, in the house I grew up in, the house I gained weight in.  This time around seems harder than the first go round as now I have my family, my kids and husband, to worry about in addition to my parents who are getting older and not in the best of health.

Most days when I walk in the front door, I feel the weight of the world land on my shoulders and squeeze me tight.  I feel so good when I am helping at my daughter's school, at the gym, and even out running errands.  That good feeling can disappear in a second depending on what is on the other side of the front door.  When I had my own home, which I worked very hard for, I felt so free.  I could have the doors and windows open, I could have the radio on, I could wait until the morning to do the dishes.  There are so many mini freedoms I had that I really miss most days.  I know my parents need our help and this is probably where we are supposed to be, but the situation could be so much better than it is.  I do my best to make the most of things for my kids and my mom.

Last year I was so focused on weight loss, and I was losing quickly.  This year I have lost a lot of that focus, and I am really struggling trying to get it back.  Even though I have already lost almost 80 pounds, I still have that much more to lose.  I am happier at my current weight then I was when I was heavier, but I am still so far from my ultimate weight loss goal.  I have not given up by any means, and I have no intention of doing so.  I will continue to take this journey for what it is, one day and week at a time.




Saturday, May 5, 2012

Weigh in...and I turned 35 today...

I was down 2.8 pounds this week...total lost...78.2!  So excited since I did get in a ton of physical activity.  Today is my birthday.  It was an eventful day, not in a birthday way,  but in my hectic life way.  Started the day taking the kids to school and finding my tire pressure light lit up telling me something was wrong.  Since none of the tires were flat, I cautiously drove to WW.  Once done, I went to the tire shop and they found a screw and patched the tire.  A few months ago I had two screws in one tire at the same time...I don't do construction for a living so I don't know where on earth I pick these things up?!?

After my tire adventure I spent hours at my daughter's school helping her teacher and, once her teacher left, working feverishly on  projects for Teacher Appreciation Week.  I still have tons to do but got a lot done today for sure.  Once school was out, my daughter and I printed the photos that I took of the kids today and then went grocery shopping.  Home to cook dinner...frozen pizza...something that I cook once or twice a year, if that often.  I bought pepperoni pizzas, which were less "pointy" than plain cheese, and added some lean ham, crumbled lean bacon, and fresh mushrooms.  The prep and cook times were quick, the pizza was on sale, and there were very few dishes to do.  My birthday "cake" consisted of a 2" square piece of carrot cake, I ate half of it, and a 5" square piece of choc / vanilla marble cake with whipped frosting, I ate 1/5 of it.  Both cakes were good, and with about 1/2 cup of light ice cream, they really hit the spot.  Although I did use the majority of my weeklies today, I felt in control and satisfied rather than stuffed.  I definitely think there is hope for me and my inner thin self!

Tomorrow will be another long day at the track.  I have already packed our lunch and snacks...fresh fruit, carrots sticks, grape tomatoes, bagel thins with whipped cream cheese, spinach, and lean ham, pistachios, date bars, a ton of ice and water, and of course sun screen.  We are leaving super early so there will be space to set up our easy up.

Sunday we are off to the beach with my mother-in-law and husband's cousin to celebrate my birthday.  We are supposed to be going to a seafood restaurant...should be interesting...

This coming week I will be spending a lot of time at my daughter's school for Teacher Appreciation Week, but I will be sure to get to the gym each day beforehand.  I want to see another loss on the scale this week, I am done seeing it go down once week just to go back up the next!