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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Up, down, up, down...

Both my weight and my mood have been up and down lately.  One day I feel inspired, work out hard, and eat well...the next I still work out, but my eating is all over the place.  I wish I knew why I am so drawn to food.  When I was younger I used food as comfort and security, the comfort and security I didn't get from my parents.  That is probably a big part of why I still gravitate toward it.  All these years later I am once again back with my parents, in the house I grew up in, the house I gained weight in.  This time around seems harder than the first go round as now I have my family, my kids and husband, to worry about in addition to my parents who are getting older and not in the best of health.

Most days when I walk in the front door, I feel the weight of the world land on my shoulders and squeeze me tight.  I feel so good when I am helping at my daughter's school, at the gym, and even out running errands.  That good feeling can disappear in a second depending on what is on the other side of the front door.  When I had my own home, which I worked very hard for, I felt so free.  I could have the doors and windows open, I could have the radio on, I could wait until the morning to do the dishes.  There are so many mini freedoms I had that I really miss most days.  I know my parents need our help and this is probably where we are supposed to be, but the situation could be so much better than it is.  I do my best to make the most of things for my kids and my mom.

Last year I was so focused on weight loss, and I was losing quickly.  This year I have lost a lot of that focus, and I am really struggling trying to get it back.  Even though I have already lost almost 80 pounds, I still have that much more to lose.  I am happier at my current weight then I was when I was heavier, but I am still so far from my ultimate weight loss goal.  I have not given up by any means, and I have no intention of doing so.  I will continue to take this journey for what it is, one day and week at a time.

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