Wednesday night I had trouble falling asleep. Usually if I watch a little TV in bed it helps. I tried that but it didn't work. My mom was in my dad's room talking with him around 10:30pm. He started yelling at her. I went to check on them and she said they were fine, he "just talks loud". Usually he is yelling and being mean so how was I supposed to know. As I was leaving she told him that I do my fair share of yelling. That comment made me sad because I was there to try and help her. I ended up in tears. Do I yell? Yes...sometimes I do, don't most people from time to time? When I yell it is usually out of frustration and because I am beyond the point of exhaustion...I don't yell just to be mean and make people feel like crap!
My husband woke up to me crying, he felt bad...I felt worse. I finally fell asleep only to wake up in the morning feeling awful. I took my mom to Physical Therapy. When we got home I went to my daughter's school to help for their Holiday Party. It was fun and took my mind off of home. They had tons of donuts, muffins, bagels, and fruit. I had a banana, 2 cuties, and some grapes...when I got home I had a few donut holes.
At lunch time I walked back home and made lunch for my mom, my son, and myself. As I was almost ready to go back to the school, my dad came out of his room. He was going to check the shed that my husband built, when we moved here 5 years years ago, to hold our belongings. My dad has convinced himself that we just built it recently. He has forgotten all of the yelling, dictation, and grief he gave us during the process. I have not. When he came back in he told me how horrible it was (which it is not), how the backyard grass has suffered because we walk the same path, etc. He has never taken any interest in the house, the yard, or the people here. The backyard is very big. Grass has never grown well back there. It was dirt and weeds for about 25 of the 35 years they have lived here. My husband does what he can to keep the garden looking nice. The front yard looks better than the backyard. The backyard should have been cemented, but my dad didn't want to "waste" the money on cement just to make it "look nice". The whole incident ended up in a shouting match and I was in tears. I asked him why he hated me so much...he didn't answer...not even to say he doesn't hate me. I finally stopped crying, put more mascara on, and went back to my daughter's school. I felt better when I got there and during our walk home. Once I walked in the front door, I started feeling the overwhelming dread that consumes me when I am home. Wondering what he is going to yell at me next about, wondering if that fight will cause me to have a nervous breakdown or a heart attack...this is no way to live. I am thankful we have a roof over our heads, heat, food on the table, running water, etc., but life shouldn't have to be this miserable because of one person's words and actions. He doesn't have anyone else to do all I do. My 5 siblings just don't care. He and my mom can't live on their own...I am it.
By the time my husband came home from work I was lying on the couch with a headache. I had forgotten to go to the bank for his payday. I got dressed and he drove. We stopped by the bank, for my gas, and dinner at McDonald's...just about the only place all 6 will eat. I had a Diet Coke, 1/2 of a McRib, 1 Chicken Nugget, and 1/2 of a small fry. Not too bad considering...could have been better, but also could have been worse.
I only made it to 85% on my ActiveLink, but I did earn 2pp for the day so something is better than nothing.
Day 118...It was what it was...
Onto Day 119...